I often get asked the question as a Couples Counsellor, “do couples only come to you when everything’s falling apart?” The answer is no. Some may come because they feel the relationship is breaking apart, but everyone comes for different reasons, depending what they need help with.The relationship does not need to be breaking down to come to Couples Therapy. In the same way you put a plaster on a cut until it heals, you and your partner might need a few sessions to help patch up a wound. Or in the same way you would go to hospital for a broken leg, you and your partner might need CouplesTherapy for a longer period of time as the broken part heals.
However, my role as a Couples Therapist is not to fix things but to empower you with tools you need to work through any pain, brokenness, breakdown in communication, grief, loss, whatever you are experiencing, so you and your relationship becomes strengthened from it.
Everyone has different experiences of asking for help but something I value and appreciate is the courage it takes a couple to seek help and invite me into the most vulnerable parts of the relationship. A counselling room is a space for every individual to feel seen and heard. As Counsellors, we are not here to judge. We are not here to pick sides. We are here to provide and hold a safe and empowering space for you. We are here to make sure that you and your partner have space to speak and be heard and also really hear what the other is saying. It can be easier to listen to respond or react, but I wonder, when was the last time you listened to understand?
“Ask and it will be given to you, seek and youwill find, knock and the door will be opened to you”
This quote can sum up how Couples Therapy can help you. When you come to Couples Therapy and ask for help, it will be given to you. In the first session, you would unpack what brought you to Couples Therapy, which helps the Counsellor identify what would be most helpful and effective for you moving forward. This can look like moving forward with Couples Therapy or if it does not sound like the right time for Couples Therapy, the Counsellor will connect you with a more appropriate service, depending on what you decide. Whatever the outcome, when you ask for help, you will be given it but it is up to you whether you take it and make the most of it. Therapy will only ever be as effective as the effort and work you decide to put into it.
In Couples Therapy, when you seek understanding and awareness, you will find it. Exploring the unconscious can be challenging, uncomfortable and even painful but in Couples Therapy you will be held as you seek this understanding and awareness. The Counsellor will facilitate the space so it is safe for you to explore.
Lastly, when you knock on the door in Couples Therapy, it will be opened to you in two ways. The door will be opened for you to a space where you will not be judged and the Counsellor will be there ready to see and hear you. The other way is doors will open as you walk through the process, as you start to create, rebuild, redesign the relationship you are wanting. You will gain a deeper understanding of what is affecting your relationship and what you want to open and close the door to.
Couples Therapy will empower you to ask, seek and knock and whatever you put into it is what you get out of it.
I would also add that any couple can attend Couples Therapy at any time, regardless whether you have been together 6 months, 5 years or 50 years. You do not need to wait till a big moment happens in your relationship to ask for help. Be proactive. But also know it is not too late to come if a big moment has come as there is help, guidance and support.
I would encourage you to get in touch today to arrange a session if you feel this would be helpful. It is very important to note that in Couples Therapy, both of you need to be willing as Couples Therapy does not work if one of the couple is not willing. If you are willing and your partner is not, I would encourage you to seek individual counselling to receive support for yourself.
I hope this blog has encouraged you and I would love to direct you to read ‘Five Love Languages’ blog following this as these are tools that are effective in every kind of relationship.
